**EDIT: POST SCRIPT (that comes before the actual post.) I’m realizing now that I should add this warning that this post is not at all a commentary about BSF. At all. I wrote this to share about how I felt about something that used to be part of my life that isn’t anymore. I say specifically in the post that no one else is to blame except myself (and maybe my friends who refused me, joking). It is hard for me to step in the middle of already formed relationships. It hasn’t worked well for me in the past which makes it even harder for me to try now. I appreciate the readers for reading this post and letting me share my feelings, but I don’t need you to fix my problem. I don’t need you to make suggestions. This post is not a cry for help to make BSF better. This post is where I reflect and make a decision to try again.**
Last year, I stopped attending the Bible Study Fellowship (BSF, you can google it) on Monday nights. I had been going for a year or so when I decided that it just wasn’t for me anymore.
Let me start from the beginning.
My mother had been going to the Women’s BSF for a few years already and she was always trying to convince me to go with her. Nope, not going to happen. I don’t want to be fellowshipping with women my mom’s age. PLUS, my sister had gone with her when there was a children’s BSF that ran at the same time as the Women’s, and she had a bad experience and complained about how boring and useless it was.
I wasn’t in school, my church’s fellowship was a little weak, and I really didn’t have anything else to do on Monday nights…so when the Young Adults BSF started, I went.
I enjoyed it, to say the least.
I loved the worship time at the beginning (it was only two songs, but still). I think that is one of my favourite parts about any Christian gathering – hearing all of our voices raised as one in love and reverence and praise and cries out to our God. I liked being about to open up (to an extent) with the small groups that we met with to go over our questions and discuss what we had learned over the week. I liked coming together to listen to the speaker summarize and go over main points about what we had just read and discussed. I felt like I was being fed, like I was able to absorb the lesson and apply it to my life for the next week and months later.
But I was missing something: fellowship.
I felt really left out at BSF. I come from a small church; the others who attended came from the big churches that surround my little baby church. They knew each other and fellowshipped with one another throughout the week (or at least on Sundays). I didn’t have other people from my church who went with me, and I couldn’t convince anyone else to go with me either.
I arrived alone. Sat alone during worship. Met with my small group of girls who knew each other but not me. Walked by myself to hear the lesson. Sat and listened and took notes…by myself. At the beginning, I actually felt really connected with the girls in my small group even though we didn’t talk outside that circle. That connection was so real to me because I was connecting with them through Jesus, our mutual friend. But after one incident, I realized that these girls weren’t my friend, and it really hit me hard.
Now this was in no fault the other people who were there or BSF. It was my fault. I should have opened up. I should have been more convincing to my friends* to come with me…but because I felt so lonely at BSF, it really hindered my enthusiasm to attend every Monday night.
And I think not going has really put a dent in my relationship with God.
It was regimented. I had questions and readings to do and it forced me to reflect on myself and my relationship with God. Now, that I am not part of BSF, I have so many more excuses to not go that deep into it. It is so much easier for me now to be on the surface with God rather than surrendering my life and my soul to him each and every day.
I want to go again. I really do.
But I just can’t see myself voluntarily diving into that kind of situation where those emotions are so prevalent in my life.