205

It’s been a little while. But I have a proper reason or excuse or explanation.

I’ve been pregnant. And sick. And throwing up.

It’s hard to blog about my day and our dinners together, when I’m mostly sleeping and puking and not eating. But like a good little blogger, I’ve been writing up drafts of all the exciting things happening so that I could release them at the right time. I wrote about getting off the pill and our ttc (trying to conceive) journey. I wrote about our positive test results and telling our families. I wrote about the dreams I had of meeting our baby.

But now I’m writing about losing our first pregnancy – our first baby.

I want to look back on it and be able to remember it with a smile – remember our excitement and the happy smiles on our families’ faces. I’m not sure that is even possible. I wish more people talked about this. I wish I hadn’t grown up believing that you just make a baby easily and 9 months later it pops out a little bundle of joy. I feel like I was set up and unprepared for the emotional roller coaster that is creating a new life.

No one told me that some women have a really hard time producing eggs. No one told me about the slim chances of sperm and egg meeting. No one told me just because you’re pregnant now means that you’ll be pregnant in a few weeks.

I don’t know how to mourn this loss. I feel like this life was barely there before it got taken away.

There’s no heartbeat, but it’s still there inside me. I just have to wait. I’m going to be on the verge of being okay, and then my body will remind me that it’s time to say goodbye again. Our families have been giving us love and support since we’ve told them. But it doesn’t really get any easier to say, “there was no heartbeat detected.” My mind isn’t comprehending what will soon happen when “nature takes its course.”

But in all of this, we trust in God’s timing. I’ve said it in my other posts. This is something we both want, that we both feel ready for; but we know that he will guide us down the right path. When it is our time, we’ll be able to understand and appreciate even more what a miracle it is to create a new life.

 

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