Months ago, I could see everything that would take me to my January 2017 due date; and now, it’s all a little foggy.
Enough time has gone by at this point that I’m not constantly aching for my lost baby. But every so often – when I hear about someone getting pregnant, when I hear about pregnancy symptoms, when I hear a birth story – my body stiffens and I have to consciously stop myself from crying. It hurts for that long moment, and then I remember that months ago hearing those kinds of things brought me joy; so I smile and give big hugs and praise God for his many blessings.
I have also been praying for God’s will and his timing. I pray that he continues to give me a peaceful mind and a calm heart. It has been months since I miscarried. Even that hurts to say, because what I’m not saying is that I’m five months pregnant.
I don’t want to worry about when I’ll be pregnant again or that it’ll happen exactly the same way so that I end up with no baby. I know that if I give it all to God, he will take it and carry my burdens. I know that he will bless me in ways that I can’t even possibly imagine now.
I might just be pushing my own limits, but I keep watching pregnancy announcements and vlogs and birth vlogs and seeing tiny babies all over my social medias. Aside from engagements and beautiful rings, babies were the next best thing that made me jump up and down with excitement. For the most part, I still have all those same feelings about baby news; I’ll even jump up and down…it’s just that now those feelings are shadowed by a small ache in my heart. I just praise God that my heart is not spiteful or resentful. It just hurts a lot for a little bit.
I want to be filled with joy always; not just sometimes with shadow of pain. When I was searching for that always joy, I found a passage in John that really helped me:
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.” – John 15:9-11
I read that and my heart sighed. So that my joy is complete. No shadow of pain. No tinges of sadness. Complete joy.
One of the Youtubers that I watch is newly pregnant, and she said something in her 4 week pregnancy update that really encouraged me when I didn’t even know that my heart needed that kind of lifting. She said, “I just feel this overwhelming sense of peace, and I am just so very thankful to be experiencing this pregnancy however long it lasts.”
I wasn’t consumed in awe of the miracle and blessing that God had given to LG and me. Instead, I was overwhelmed and preoccupied with what was going to happen next and after that and after that until we had a baby in our home. After devotions and prayer and other people’s testimonies, I am reminded to be thankful and to praise God for everything – big and small, every breath given to me. I am reminded to be thankful that I was pregnant for those few weeks, for the other blessings that I have, and for my loving and supportive husband.
…however long it lasts.
…that my joy may be complete.