Confidence

Queued post about my second pregnancy.

It’s been just over 24 hours since we saw my positive pregnancy tests, and I don’t know how to feel.

I know that I am so thankful to God for this gift. I know that no matter what happens he will take care of us and see us through. But I don’t know.

I keep looking at LG and asking him if he’s excited or happy or anxious or scared. I’m not sure if I’m any of those things either, but I’ve automatically gone into the how-can-we-tell-our-families mode. It’s just that right after I go there, I think to myself, “but what if we don’t make it that far?”. Am I excited? Am I scared?

I’ve been looking up other blogs with the tag ‘rainbow baby’ to see how other women have dealt with it and felt about it – maybe that’s how I’m supposed to be feeling right now. Looking up that tag was a little scary, and nailed in the fact that pregnancy doesn’t always lead to a healthy, happy baby.

One of the blog posts that I read used a word that my heart has been looking for to describe what I’m feeling about this second pregnancy: confidence. Or for me, lack thereof.

I have full confidence in God and his love and his guidance and his timing; but I don’t think that I am so confident about this pregnancy. If I learned anything from my experience over the last six months, it’s that I don’t fully trust my body anymore. Which is so weird for me to say. Before all of this, I was so confident in my body – I was so sure. My period were always regular and predictable and certain. Even coming off birth control, I was sure my body would be back on it’s regular scheduled programming, no problem. But I guess it’s true what they say – once trust is broken, it’s really hard to get back.

I feel like my body betrayed me. It had one job – to grow a baby – and I never even got to hear my baby’s heartbeat. Now, I’m not so sure my body can even do it. There is very little confidence.

She herself didn’t even really find her own confidence in her pregnancy until she reached the 20 week mark and feeling the baby reassure her from the inside.

How long will it take for me?

I pray that God will give me strength and confidence in my body.

I thank God for this new miracle growing inside me.

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