Freak Out

Queued post about my second pregnancy.

Just a bit more than 48 hours after our BFP, I totally freaked out. Major meltdown. Plenty of hysterics.

I told my mom today. Partly because I can’t keep a secret to save my life, but also because I knew she would be excited. And she was. She teared up and almost cried, but I think LG and my deadpan faces that were borderline expressionless made her doubt our news. We just needed her to be enough excited for all of us until we got to the same level of excitement.

I got home and POAS again. I wanted to see the two lines again. I needed the reassurance.

Positive.

I wanted to breathe out a sigh of relief, but it never happened. I just laid there staring at the positive test, willing it to give my heart peace.

I moved the photo I took of the test into my ‘private mode’ on my phone. But since I left the test at home, holding and staring at it got a little bit more difficult. I turned on the private mode to pull up the picture.

I’d forgotten the other pictures I have in that folder – pictures of the ‘products’ (medical terminology apparently, used by the doctor and ultrasound technicians) from our miscarriage months ago. There it was, side by side. A promise of a new life and the one that we lost.

I called a SIC (sister in Christ). She’d messaged be before and has been praying for me and encouraging me since I shared about my miscarriage. God laid it on my heart to call her; she was the first person I thought of to call. She talked me down. She asked me if LG knew; and I knew that she was probably thinking why wasn’t I crying to him instead of her. But really, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to unload my burdens and pain on him when I know that he is struggling just as much as I am – that this is just as confusing and hard for him.

She said all the things I already know in my heart but that I needed to hear out loud. She told me to trust God – which I do – but she also told me to trust myself – which…I don’t know that I do.

How do women have bright sun-shiny pregnancies?

I don’t know that I’m worried or scared. Because I know that God will see us through and take care of us. I know that.

I just don’t know that pregnant = baby.

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