Sometimes I get these little spurts of cleaning energy. I just want to wash everything and dust it all and vacuum every inch of the house.
Recently, I’ve been itching to move things around.
We’ve been in this house – our home – for a little over a year now; and other than adding a few small pieces of furniture here and there, not much has changed. But! [For the next little part, read: my husband.] This week, I’ve rearranged the couches, considered getting rid of the coffee table, moved the dresser in our bedroom, rearranged the closet slightly, and shifted stuff around our kitchen counters. I also have this really strong urge to throw everything away. If I was really ambitious, I might even consider re-painting (but let’s not go that far).
LG doesn’t fight me when I want to turn the house upside-down. He just asks, “Right now?” because he’s tired from work, and I find myself most productive in the evening. He just made a comment: “What? You want to rearrange the whole house?” I made a snarky comment back about our little home and not being able to move much around anyways. But what he said has been poking around in the back of my head.
Why am I moving everything around? Why do I want to throw everything away? Why am I craving this change?
My mind came up with no answers, instead I just started crying.
Even now I’m trying to find the words, and I can’t. I don’t know why my heart is so sad. The pain just doesn’t feel the same as it did last time; the words don’t seem to apply. The loss doesn’t reasonably or logically feel as great because I didn’t let myself hope so much this time. Obviously, my heart is still grieving while my mind is trying to move on.
You know, we have this empty bedroom. Every time I walk by I feel a little pinch of pain. We put the presents in there the other day to have a little gift-wrapping station, and I could feel the hesitation in my heart to take that first step in. That room – although we’ve never said it aloud – is meant for our baby. And it’s empty.
No matter how much I move stuff around, even if I bring the upstairs down and the downstairs up…that room will still be empty.