Naïvety or Defeat

I had my follow up appointment at the early pregnancy clinic (obstetrical clinic) at the hospital today. The doctor I saw today told me that my ultrasound was good and clear so I don’t need to worry about any D&C nonsense and that my beta hcg level was already down to 515.

She told me all that and reassured me calmly; and then she recommended that I go to my family doctor and ask for a referral to an infertility specialist. She said it was an option – the other option would be that we just let it be and hope for the best next time. She said that usually it isn’t necessary to see an infertility specialist until the third miscarriage, but nowadays our tolerance for these kinds of experiences is lower. She said a specialist would just be able to walk me through and keep an eye on me the next time I’m pregnant.

I booked an appointment with my family doctor for tomorrow as soon as I got back to my car.

But does that mean that I’m…infertile?

I don’t know that I’m ready to admit that kind of defeat. I want to trust that my body knows what it’s doing. I want to have faith that God will give us a baby. I want to stay naive a little bit longer.

If it happens again…

If it happens again, I’ll be back at this exact spot – starting over, recovering, grieving. I’ll be older. What if I’m running out of time?


He has a plan. He knows what I need. In his time.

“…For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord…” – Jeremiah 29: 11-14

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” – Proverbs 19: 21



UPDATE: my family doctor is going to refer me to the fertility clinic so that I can have some testing done. Testing is good, right? It’ll give me some answers either way. I got spooked Googling fertility clinics yesterday, reading all the FAQ. I’m standing by my body and the fact that we can get that BFP. I just can’t stand to claim that word against my body. Infertility…it seems too weighted.


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