The Floor

You know how you can build a snowman and it’s all sturdy lookin’, but if you shove it a little too hard it’ll just crumble to the ground? Ya, that’s basically me – every time I see a post on any social medias about yet another woman announcing yet another pregnancy. It just knocks the wind out of me and makes me want to crawl into a little ball on the floor.

It’s a sad reality, really; I used to jump up and down in pure glee when I found out someone was pregnant and a new baby would be coming into the world for me to cuddle and snuggle and love. Now, I have to take several deep breaths and consciously calm myself when there is pregnant belly standing in front of me.

One of the hardest parts about having two losses in the span of six months is that I can barely stand to see a pregnant woman – because it makes me think about how pregnant I might have been at this point – and the pregnancy announcements have an extra sting – because I would have been able to announce around this time too; but I’m not a waddling bump and I’m not telling the world to breathe a sigh of relief and gladness for our rainbow baby.

Instead, I’m contemplating tests and being referred to infertility clinics. I’m having heart to hearts with really strong mommas who have been so lovely to share their experiences and heartaches with me. I’m thinking about the next steps instead of planning for the next phase in our lives.

But this journey is only making me and my husband stronger. We’re stronger together. We’re stronger in the Lord. We’ll be stronger parents because of this. And maybe, just maybe, God will be able to use us in these experiences for his good and his glory. I can only pray that all of this will only build me up and not tear me down. I pray that I will stand always on his promises and hope not on fears and lies.

I pray that I will stand, strong in my faith…not crumbled to the floor.

“…And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” – 1 Corinthians 10: 13

I pray that we won’t be tempted to put growing our family over our relationship with God. I pray that he will always, always be the first in our lives and that we will not lose sight of him.

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