Because my parents have been divorced since I was very young, I’m quite used to having my holiday schedules jam-packed. All of them – New Years, Chinese New Year, Easter, Labour Day long weekend, Thanksgiving, Christmas (naming them just in case you thought I was stretching the truth). Add in being in a relationship, holidays just got even fuller. In our early years, we weren’t bound to each other and spent some of the family dinners apart; but now we’re married and we have to learn how to juggle. Thankfully, we have (so far) been able to be present and accounted for at all the scheduled dinners – knock on wood.
It is nearly 3am on Christmas Eve, and I cannot sleep. I’m feeling anxious and nervous and my heart feels heavy. I’m running through everything that we need to prepare and pack and bring. I’m trying to play through how the day is going to look when I eventually wake up (if I ever fall asleep).
We have to start the mashed potatoes and get the warming in the crockpot. We have to get the pop from the basement to bring over to the house. We have to make sure we have all the gifts packed and put aside and going to the right place – tomorrow there are three stops: my aunt’s house, his mom’s house, and then my mom’s house to open gifts. That means we need the gifts for the Santa steal for my aunt’s house and then gifts for his family after that and gifts for my mom and sister after that.
It’s just making my head spin, which is really not fun in the middle of the night.
I feel blessed to be able to be surrounded by so much family, knowing that there are many people out there who don’t have family close by to celebrate with. But I’m getting that same feeling I had when we were planning the wedding – this is supposed to be a happy time that we can all enjoy together…but then why is it that there is always all this stress leading up to it. And I’m not even really part of the big planning; things are merely delegated to me. I can’t (and don’t really want to) imagine being the head of all our gatherings.
I don’t want to become apathetic to the holidays. I don’t want to question the point of it all.
Maybe (actually, most definitely), I don’t react well to change, but maybe change is something that needs to happen. We can’t just keep doing things the same way hoping that the changes will adapt to us…we have to adapt to the changes that naturally happen over the years.
I don’t know.
It’s the middle of the night.
Merry Christmas Eve, all.
And in case my nerves and anxiety has subsided and I’m not awake in the middle of the night tomorrow…Merry Christmas!