I’ve been seeing a lot of commercials for Bell Let’s Talk Day – an initiative to raise money for mental health studies and raise awareness on mental illness to help stop the stigma by talking about it.
I realized that I’m not just dealing with miscarriage and loss; I’m experiencing new emotions and levels of mental health that I’ve never come across before, and I don’t understand it. When I was studying early childhood education, we learned that part of that early learning is emotional. Young children have a hard time coping with all their complex emotions until they learn how to name them and deal with them. I don’t know how to name my complex emotions right now.
Writing about how I think I’m feeling has helped me get it off my chest when I don’t know who to direct these thoughts to. I know there are people who love me who will listen to me, but I know sometimes they don’t know how to respond. I know that they probably don’t understand everything I’m feeling either so I don’t want to keep unloading on them.
I was never really worried about being a TTC blog because I wasn’t really worried about getting pregnant; but with everything that I’ve been through, becoming one of those blogs is slowly turning into a reality – which is okay, I guess, in a safe community of people who understand or can at least relate. But when my blog is readily accessible and other people can read it…it makes me anxious that they might judge me.
There are scary numbers out there to describe the chances of your pregnancy failing, and I’m part of that statistic – twice. When I realize that most of the women in my life have experienced a miscarriage like I have but haven’t talked about it or been sad about it like I have, I wonder what’s wrong with me that I have to express it so much more than they did. It makes me question my own mental health. Maybe I’m remembering it all wrong. Maybe it wasn’t such a big deal. Maybe I should just leave it be. Maybe I should just stop talking about it.
Those thoughts…I think that’s what Bell Let’s Talk Day is about. It’s about not questioning yourself like that anymore. It’s about not talking yourself out of expressing how you’re feeling. It’s about not being scared that what you’re feeling doesn’t matter.