A couple of weeks ago, I had a little break down. I was already starting to feel it bubble up so it was only a matter of time before I imploded.
I’d been experiencing weird sleeping habits: I’d stay up all night and sleep all day, or I’d only sleep 3-4 hours at a time, and then eventually I’d sleep really early and be up by 5 or 6 am. It had gotten to the point where I was awake very early in the morning. I was feeling like I needed to get out and distract myself from the impending implosion, but no one was around. I couldn’t even go to visit my mom at work because she was at an all day meeting. I messaged everyone I could think of and it just didn’t seem like it would work out that I could be in anyone’s company. Even LG had a special work lunch so he wasn’t going to be home any earlier than usual.
Eventually, I got myself ready and convinced myself that I could just go grab a coffee – get some fresh air and come back home. I put clothes on. I put my coat on. I got my purse. I put on my shoes. And then I just sat there, staring at the front door. I couldn’t move.
I texted LG to let him know how I was feeling. I didn’t want to call because then I’d definitely start crying and I didn’t want him to miss his lunch. Even if he’d left right then, he still wouldn’t have been home for at least 45 minutes. I sent him several long messages to paint him the big picture, and then he called me right away. I picked up and said, “I’m fine, I’m just going to get the coffee, I’ll be fine. Don’t come home. Just go to your lunch and I’ll see you after. I’m fine.” Obviously not though, because I was crying the whole time I was saying those things. He stayed on the phone while I cried it out. I took a deep breath, we talked about moving far, far away; and then I told him to go to lunch and then come home.
I calmed down a bit, went to get my coffee, and came straight home to my bed. LG got home eventually. He showered and then came to cuddle me right away. I was safe with him, and I cried again because this time I wouldn’t have to be the one pull myself together.
He just told me the other night that after he got off the phone with me that day, he cried in his car. He told me he wanted to come home to me, but he didn’t know how to explain to his work lunch people why he needed to be home. I felt how his loneliness when he shared that with me. I feel so bad, because I don’t know how to help him through that. I want us to be able to help each other through everything, but when I’m the one who is putting him in those kinds of situations…how am I supposed to get him out?
When I’m down and too lost and too weak to hear God comfort me and love me and pick me up, God uses my husband. My husband is there for me always. I pray that in my weakness, God will give him strength.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
– 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10