I keep thinking about Sarah.
What was wrong with her? Did she have regular periods? Could she get pregnant at all? Did she experience loss after loss after loss? What does the Bible medically mean by labeling Sarah as barren?
Was she disappointed every time her period came? Did she give up trying? Did it weight heavily on her? Was being barren something that she carried with her every day? Who did she talk to?
When did she become okay with it?
Although no one has made any sort of indication that I should, I feel like people look at me and think that I should be okay/over it/moving on. Maybe I should. There are so many other situations that could have been even worse than I experienced, right? But how do we measure what should hurt just a little and what should break your heart a thousand times?
Sometimes the ache in my heart starts to fade a bit, and it feels only like a distant memory that maybe could have just been a bad dream…and then I read somewhere or I see video or photo, and I’m reminded just how real that hurt is.
The other day I found out someone was pregnant (surprise, everyone is pregnant but me). The immediate feeling was familiar – I couldn’t quite catch my breath like the wind was knocked out of me, my heart skipped a beat just for a moment, and I could feel the tears quickly forming. Every time I have to consciously calm myself down, and usually I’m okay…but what was that thing my mother said about me imploding? A couple of hours later, I went to take my husband’s car to get gas. Our evening ran later than usual. He needed the gas for the next day, but he was so tired. I told him I’d meet him in bed, and I’d be back soon. I wasn’t even thinking about the pregnancy. I was just driving, and suddenly I was in tears.
…how long did Sarah hurt?
There is a small part inside me that is longing for a community. Other women who are like me – just married, ttc, multiple losses, and can’t seem to get to that point of being okay. I want to know how they’re feeling. I want to know what they’re worried about. I want to know that it’s okay that my heart is still broken after all these months. At the same time, I’m scared to find them. What if I find them and instead of helping me to find answers, they just confirm everything that is wrong with me – my body, my heart.
What did Sarah pray for?
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into his grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” – Romans 5:1-5