A Lamp

“Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” – Psalm 25:4-5

You know how sometimes people see that things are just such a coincidence and it must have been fate? I don’t see fate, I see God’s intervention; and the things that seem so coincidental in the last year of our lives, that’s God’s hand at work in our lives.

I knew – usually in the back of my mind – that God is in control. We prayed always that his will be done. We prayed for him to guide us when we don’t know where we’re going. We knew that things would happen in his time. Of course, I’m not the most patient so I’ve always been wondering: when?

Almost a month ago now, I had my appointment with the fertility specialist. He took my history and wrote up a slew of tests for me to get done. I had some blood work done that day, but they told me I couldn’t get all the tests done because then they’d need over 30 vials – too much. I went on my merry way with all the instructions and requisitions. Every time I went out over the next couple of weeks, I told myself to bring the blood requisition to just it done and over with. And every time, I forgot.

Then one day when I didn’t have any plans other than what I’d already gotten done at home, I decided to go to the lab. I knew there was one in town. It’d been busy the one other time I’d gone, but it was the middle of the week (a Wednesday, so really right in the middle) and just after lunch so I crossed my fingers. It was closed. The sign on the door told me that the lab was closed every 2nd Wednesday of the month. Huh. Just my luck?

I didn’t think much of it, except that it was annoying that the one day I decided to go it happened to be closed.

I went down to the next lab. I was already out, no point in going back home. It wasn’t busy at all, just one lady ahead of me and she was being helped as I waited. The technician called me over to make the payment before I could get the tests done. That was all expected, the doctor had told me that some of the tests cost money. I went over to the desk, pulled out the insurance credit card, and waited. She kept tapping and clicking and then without looking up, “You have insurance, right?”

I got a little nervous, figuring it must be quite a bit more than we’d anticipated. At that point, I just wanted to pay, get my blood taken, and go home. It wasn’t that simple though, she needed to call the specialist for clarification for a few of the tests – otherwise they’d just have to take a bunch of blood and charge me for them so that at least the lab had enough blood to do the test.

She called. No one answered. I called and got through. We had to wait for them to call back. Further down the list of tests, she had another question. She called again, and no one answered until the third try.

The final tally was more than double what I’d anticipated. I thanked her for her time, told her I was going to call insurance (The insurance company gives us a credit card. I was just going to use that instead of paying out of pocket and then waiting to see if they covered any of the tests), and left.

I was kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. The tests would cost so much money, and I wasn’t even really sure that I wanted to do all of them. I really just wanted to wait to see if we’d get pregnant this cycle.

I texted LG first to let him know what was going on. I called my mom to complain about the cost because I’d called her earlier to complain about the lab being closed.

When I got home I was talking to a friend, and we went over all the random, crazy ‘coincidences’. Any of the days I could have gone to the lab, but I ended up going on the one day of the month that the lab is closed. Any other time that I might have just gone home and put it off another day, I’m stalled at the lab – for clarifications on the tests, waiting for phone calls. Then I’m presented with this outrageous number, so outside the limit I’d set in my mind walking into that lab. I was just brainstorming with her because after all that I could feel in my heart that God was trying to tell me something.

Maybe God is trying to tell me something or intervening in some way, is what I said. And you know what she said (I’m paraphrasing): Maybe it’s him saying a test won’t say anything…maybe it’s his way of saying, ‘yes go out and let me show you that you don’t need this test.’ Was there any other way for God to tell you that you don’t need the test?

When I stopped taking birth control and when we knew we wanted to start trying, we prayed that God’s will be done. When we lost our first baby, we prayed for his blessing in his time. That has been our prayer from months now. After studying Abraham and Sarah, my faith wavered and I was worried that it wouldn’t happen for years and years to test our faith in him. I was worried that maybe getting pregnant was becoming like an idol in our lives and we needed to get our priorities straight again.

As my birthday quickly approaches and we’re closing in on a year since we decided to start trying, it’s also brought us to the time that I set out to avoid.

You see, as a newlywed, I was fully prepared and stocked up on birth control pills until March 2017. But just before I turned 26, I did some mental math and figured that if we waited until March 2017 to start trying I’d be nearly 28 by the time we had a baby. I did not want to wait that long. I did not want to be that old.

I threw away a pretty good supply of birth control just for the sake of not being 27 when we got pregnant. But God has brought us here, somewhere I really didn’t want to be.

In his time.


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