Conscious Efforts

I had finally got myself in a frame of mind where I convinced myself to take the first steps of reaching out all the mommas around me after my last post. But immediately after I published it, I had nightmares for the next few days; I’d wake up overwhelmed and crying. Since then, I’ve done little things: acknowledge a momma in a text, try to find a carseat for another, and imagine myself braving church to see another. I’ve seen pregnancy announcements, and my heart only tightened for a moment (plus, I didn’t burst into tears).

But my stomach always feels a little sick after.

I keep telling myself that new thing I learned: there will always be children the same age that mine would have been, and there will always be pregnant women around me. I repeat it over and over in my head because it is so true, but it doesn’t always help.

It’s taking every ounce of courage I have inside me to take just these baby steps. I have to make a conscious effort to even broach the subject again – in my mind and out loud.

Every time, the wind is totally knocked out of me.

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