Identity Crisis

I had this conversation a couple of years ago that’s stuck with me – mostly in the back of my mind, but it always finds a way to the front…especially over the last year.

It started with a question of identity and how far someone should go to change themselves for the identity to be fulfilled. At first, we talked about people who are transgender and who go through various medical means to change their bodies to match who they are on the inside. Their argument was that as Christians we are called to sacrifice ourselves and who we are to be children of God – from there our new identities are in Christ, not in ourselves. Specifically, they said, “Someone can ‘feel’ a certain way, but if they are Christian, they understand that God’s way is the way to follow, so they are not bound by, or are required to live by those feelings any longer.”

Eventually, I moved the question to something that they “had a suspicion that was coming.”

Why is it okay for a woman to change her body and go through medical interventions to conceive and have a baby, but it isn’t okay for a person to change their bodies and go through medical interventions in order for their outside to reflect who they are on the inside?

In both situations, we are changing God’s creation – our bodies in the way that we were born – to reflect who we think we should be: in one case a mother and in the other case a different gender identity. They retaliated with, “so if a child is born with impaired hearing, he shouldn’t get hearing aids?” But really the truth is that when we become a Christian, we die to ourselves and become children of God – he is our new identity. So maybe if God makes a child deaf from birth, we should leave that child to be deaf. When did we become those decision makers who are allowed to choose which ‘problems’ to ‘fix’ and which ones to just leave alone (because some people have decided that they aren’t real issues).

All of that comes back to my situation today (although, we cannot be so sure that I do in fact have a situation, but that sure does seem to be the journey I’m going along right now). That conversation was front and center in my mind the other day. I was recovering from another bad night with a breakdown that seemingly came from nowhere. LG asked me, “do you trust God?”

I do. I trust God.

I trust that he is good. God is good, all the time. I trust that he knows what is best. I trust that his will be done. I trust that no matter how the rest of the year, the rest of our lives in this marriage looks, that he will see us through and give us strength to overcome together.

But I don’t trust that he will give us a baby – just because we really want one (or two or three).

We could very well be in the fog and be unable to see what his plan is for us. Perhaps the end of this journey is nearly over for now and I’ll be pregnant next month. Perhaps we have many more lows to see. Perhaps we will be like Sarah and Abraham, and our journey is years long ahead.

Is it my place to intervene in how God created me so that we can make a baby to fulfill my identity as a mother?


NOTE: this is by no means me commenting on how other people make decisions about their bodies. I am just trying to make sense of the if this then that part of if God created us just the way he wanted us to be then where do we draw the line of what we can and cannot change?


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