It has been 5 months since my second miscarriage, and 555 days since we got married. I hadn’t really thought about the 5 months until just now when I checked my period app, but still the repetition is a little interesting.
My first two cycles after the miscarriage were quite long – 40+ days – and I was in that POAS frame of mind where all I was looking for was that BFP. I mean when my regular cycles are about 32 days, those long cycles can really get your hopes up. Anyways, after those two looooooong cycles, I had a little talk with myself: calm down, let go and let God. I’d managed to get myself to be somewhere between okay and good for a long while; with a handful of meltdowns sprinkled here and there. During one of my breaks, I was on the floor and I reminded myself, “God is good, all the time, his joy is in me so that my job may be complete, may be complete, God is good.” And then I asked God to show me a rainbow. I didn’t say it out loud. It wasn’t a complete thought or sentence. But in my heart, I asked for a rainbow. When it was time.
So, it’s been 555 days that we’ve been married. Since LG got home from work early, I was looking for the perfect photo-op to commemorate our day. We had an early dinner, we got a little handheld vacuum *fun!*, we spent time in our backyard with the garden where we saw the first sprouts of our vegetables, he cut his hair and looked all cute again rather than shaggy and fluffy. We were burning daylight, and still not much to post about.
Then I got a snapchat notification from my friend who was just getting off work – a rainbow in the sky. I ran outside to have a look for myself. I looked to the right. Nothing. I meticulously scanned the sky in front of my house. Nothing. I looked to my left and still nothing. Just as I turned to go back into the house, I saw it, and I followed it in the sky where it ended just over our home.
I don’t think I’ve even seen a rainbow like that – the entire arc of it, end to end.
I went back inside to get LG so that he could see too. In those 2 minutes: it started to rain again, we were able to see the double rainbow effect that I didn’t see earlier, and then the sky changed and the rainbow was gone.
We went back inside, and I was on a high. I couldn’t figure out why I had such a huge smile on my face. And then I looked at my husband, and God spoke the answer to me before I could even realize it: “I asked God for a rainbow,” I told him. And he said, “you mean, when I saw the rainbow and thought this could be it, I was right?”
I’ve gotten to a point where I’ve been seriously considering that we get a dog – which before we got married, I said that we wouldn’t do (because you know, we had the plans to get me pregnant and stuff). I’d stay up late and go to all the animal adoption websites and send LG links to the ones that I liked. Or I’d go on kijiji and heart all the new puppies that were within a drivable distance. I’d also stay up looking at good vacation deals to resorts or cruises – I told LG that if we weren’t pregnant by a certain time, we’d take a trip. I think I’d gotten to the end of my rope or close to it at least. My subconscious was preparing myself for a no baby situation. I was building myself a safety net in the form of a cute little puppy or white sandy beaches in the sun.
Cue the rainbow.
God is sending me a message, and even though I don’t quite know what he’s saying right now the reassurance is plenty.
Maybe he’s telling me I’ll be pregnant, this cycle or maybe soon. Maybe he’s telling me that even if it’s not soon, that next time I’m pregnant there will be life. Or maybe he’s just telling me that there is so much more rope to hold on to; we’re not at the end.
I just cannot get over the full arc of that rainbow though. I’ve been imagining pregnancy announcements – something along the lines of finding our two pots of gold first before finding our rainbow, our hope for a new life. God just painted us the perfect picture.
He is good. All the time.