I can count on just one hand the number of baby (less than 12 months old) encounters that I’ve had in the last year. Two of them are cousins, and one I babysat for just a short while (before my second miscarriage). The other two that I met with were a bit of a milestone for me – a step forward.
*Both baby girls actually have the same first initials, so I’ll refer to them by their last names.
Baby L was the first baby that I worked up the courage to visit. I was anxious just walking up to the house, but once I sat next to her and once she let me hold her I remembered how much fuller my heart feels with a baby in my arms.
After that short visit, I felt like I was okay and ready for the next step. I would go back to visit my old church and visit the baby who was born around my first due date. I’d go back and see the newest pregnant mama who was part of that congregation and love on her bump. I decided I would go to my friend’s baby shower. Of course, none of that happened. A little over a week after I met baby L, I had a break down and it pretty much took the weekend to recover. I didn’t end up going to the baby shower. I didn’t go back to love on the new bump. I tried to call to schedule a visit at home (thinking a home visit would be easier than at church), but my heart raced and my stomach churned the whole time the phone was ringing. It just wasn’t the right time.
And then baby S was born. After everything that had happened over the last month or so, I wasn’t sure that I was ready to meet her or hold her or stare at her in awe. I’d offered to make some ginger fried rice for the new momma. I wanted so badly to just leave it at the front door and drive away or have LG drop it off for me; but I made the decision that I’d just do it – and then I couldn’t sleep at all the night before; I kept going over all the different scenarios, trying to play out how to decide at the last moment whether I was ready to hold her or not. Morning came, and as I got ready there was a moment of clarity where God was showing me how to handle the situation: if they offered or asked, I would accept and hold the baby. The whole two minute drive there, the butterflies were in full force. But I saw her and looked at her, and my heart melted.
To those two beautiful little girls, thank you for opening up my heart again. You helped me to stop being so afraid. Hope has to be so much stronger than fear.