Written June 21, 2017
It’s only been a few hours since I took the test (tests, actually just to be sure). I don’t have a flood of thoughts or feelings or worries or stress, but I figured I should write before I forgot.
Last weekend, we were away at a rental cottage with his family. Everything went along really well. The only thing that was a bit different was that I was sleeping pretty early (for me anyway). I just wrote it off as too much fun activity during the day. But then on the drive home, I was feeling really car sick to the point where LG had to pull over so I could throw up on the side of the road – not fun. I excused that with a full stomach and long drives don’t mix.
The rest of the week though, I found myself sleeping earlier and earlier; when I’d usually stay up to watch a few episodes of something, instead I was fast asleep. Not only that but I’d wake up bright and early and then sleep another 3 or 4 hours.
By the end of the week, I was on cycle day 36. For my regular cycles, that was a bit late; for my post-miscarriage cycles, it could mean that my period would come at any time. I was thinking that maybe this time would be the time, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I wanted to be satisfied with knowing that God was speaking to us and reassuring us and comforting us. I didn’t want a positive test to be the thing that put a neat little bow on God’s messages. I just wanted him to be enough. So I didn’t test. I did, however, check my underwear for blood nearly every time I went to the washroom.
Today I ate around 12:30, but by 6 pm I found myself starving. Normally, that kind of gap between meals isn’t too much of a big deal for me, but today was no good. I was the kind of hungry where your stomach hurts and you feel like you want to throw up. I was so hungry that my hands were shaking and I stuffed a bunch of strawberries in my face while I heated up a big piece leftover lasagna.
I still didn’t think too much of that. I figured maybe I didn’t eat enough at lunch. But then we went to the next town for a little drive to get gas, and two minutes into that drive I was not feeling well. My mind still didn’t go to being pregnant as the answer. I just thought again another full stomach and a long drive.
LG has been looking at me weird, like he’s been thinking it too but he’s scared to say it out loud. Instead he’ll say, “what’s going on with you?”
We talked about taking a test. I showed him my period app and told him that pregnancy at this point does kind of make sense. My body has only been regulating itself more and more since December, and I’m already on day 40 of my cycle. At first he wanted me to keep waiting. He didn’t want to see the results. I think he kind of talked himself into in his head, leaning towards most likely seeing a positive result.
I went to the washroom and peed into a little cup. He took our little dollar store test with the little dropper and scientist-ed it up – four little drops into the little window.
There was none of the step away, wait three minutes, and then go back in look. He didn’t take his eyes off it.
I could see him holding his breath. His body was tense. I could see his eyes tearing up. And then he looked at me – a small unsure smile on his face.
“Do you want to do another one?”
He nodded and dug a test strip out from under the sink.
He crawled back in bed, and I went to him. He told me he was thinking about what would happen if we lost this pregnancy. He wasn’t worried so much about it happening again; he said he was worried about me. I was sad for a long time, and it took a long time for me to be kind of okay.
But it’s different this time. I feel calm. Last time, I was so scared that it would happen again. But I know this time, we’ll be okay. I know that if we lost this pregnancy, we would know how to handle it. We know what our next steps would be.
We know that God is faithful. We know that God is good. All the time.